I want a Future that I CREATE

The honest truth about society is that looks are EXTREMEMELY important.

We don’t want this to be a truth. We want people to see the “us” that lies within and screams for acceptance, but that isn’t the case. We can riot and scream about “fat-shaming” and “loving our size” all we want, but the world is a cruel place. The honest fact is that beauty, size, sex, and relationships are what make our society spin. We scream about acceptance, but we buy the magazines that have our favorite (hottest) celebrities on them. We take to the streets with words of malice against the social construct of beauty and “normal”, but we screech and cry over our favorite (hottest) actors and musicians when they have a new budding relationship with another person that society deems worthy. (Thiddles and Tswift anyone??)

What I suppose I am getting at is that some old adages are correct. “If you can’t beat them, join them.”

I have so many goals, aspirations and expectations of my future, and I do them all a disservice by not being the best me that I can be. I can think that I am the-bomb-dot-com, but first impressions are ridiculously important.

My goal is to be more.

More involved. More physically fit. More trendy.

I know that I have it in me to be amaze-balls, so that’s what I am going to do. For myself. I am the God of this temple, but I should also be the worshipper of this temple; willing to make the proper sacrifices to reap the greatest rewards. Right now, my goal is to go down fifty pounds. According to this app I have, (They have an app for that?!?!) that will occur in December. I will need support and understanding. Not only from others but from myself. I need to remember that it is okay to fall and slip as long as I pick myself back up. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am not a quitter.

I am going to do this because I deserve it. I am going to do this because I love myself and I strive for goals that are attainable as long as I never lose focus on the dreams and aspirations that I hold for myself.


Quotes… Words that Fuel the Soul

“The human heart feels things the eyes cannot see, and knows what the mind cannot understand.” – Robert Valett

don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds that you plant.

“Life is only precious because it ends kid.” – Rick Riordan

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius

“Sing like no one’s listening, love like you’ve never been hurt, dance like nobody’s watching, and live like its heaven on earth.” – Mark Twain

every song ends, but is that a reason not to enjoy the music?

“What an unchallenging life it would be if we always got things right on the first go.”          – Ransom Riggs

The creative adult is the child that survived.

“Because when you’re scared but you still do it anyway, that’s brave.”                                       – Neil Gaiman, Coraline

I am slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them.

“Cry as hard as you want to, but just make sure that when you’re finished, you never cry for the same reason again.” – Wiz Kalifa

Sometimes, the best memories are sad because you know they will never happen again.

We look up at the same stars and see such different things.

I prefer to distance myself when I am in a bad mood because I will become the most heartless person you will ever meet.

If someone treats you badly, recognize that there is something wrong with them, not you — Normal people do not go around destroying other people.

And, sometimes, I have kept my feelings to myself because I could find no language to describe them in.

Never lose yourself in an attempt to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

Stop. Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for a boy to fall in love with you. Happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it and make something of the moment you’re in right now.

honest feelings and bad timing make the most painful combination.

You make me laugh when I’m not even in the mood to smile. . .

feelings don’t die easily because we keep feeding them with memories.

“She’s not in a dark place. Her heart just needs rest.” – Adrian Michael

Some days, the memories knock the wind out of me.

And even if I gave you the damn moon; you’d look me in the eyes and ask why I didn’t bring you the moon.

“To those who have given up on love, I say, “Trust life a little bit.”” – Maya Angelou

Find someone who’s dumb enough to love you, and just don’t be an asshole to them.

The most important day is the day you decide you’re good enough for you. It’s the day you set yourself free.

“Important encounters are planned by the souls long before the bodies see each other.”                      – Paulo Coelho

now close your eyes, and please understand that you are still young, and the universe is endless, and somehow, everything will be okay.

Someday, you’re going to meet someone who makes you happy, feel beautiful, and stands by you even when you feel like you don’t deserve them.

The first time you truly love someone is so special because you love them without any idea of how bad it can hurt.

There are people you haven’t met yet who will love you and the thought of that just makes me happy.

Don’t underestimate me. I know more than I say, think more than I speak, and notice more than you realize.

You don’t find your worth in  a man. You find your worth within yourself and then find a man who’s worthy of you. Remember that.

Always let your conscience be your guide. – Pinnochio

Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” – Jack Kerouac

There’s a weird pleasure in loving someone who doesn’t love you…

“Keep your face towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.” -Walt Whitman

“I fell in love with her courage, her sincerity and her flaming self respect. And it’s these things I’d believe in, even if the whole world indulged in wild suspicions that she wasn’t all she should be. I love her and that is the beginning of everything.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.

“No. I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how.”                                  – Gone With the Wind

If you love somebody, better tell them while they’re here.

I think I’ll miss you forever, like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies.

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I’ve ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours.” – The Notebook

“Do you ever put your arms out and just spin, and spin, and spin? Well that’s what love is like. Everything inside of you tells you to stop before you fall, but you just keep going.”      – Practical Magic

“Don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t let the standard of your own self-criticism stop your progress, and you will have breakthroughs that you do not expect.”                                            – Benedict Cumberbatch

“When I fall in love with someone, then that doesn’t ‘just’ happen. . . when I love someone’s character over time I’ll see that personality, I love so much, shining through their eyes and fusing with their appearance, turning them into the most beautiful girl in the world. It’s not about appearance, it’s about someone’s beautiful, amazing, wonderful, fantastic personality, you see every time you look at her.” – Tom Hiddleston

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.

Sometimes, you have to STOP thinking so much and just go where your heart takes you.

Three things you should never break: 1.) Trust 2.) Promises 3.) Hearts

Here’s the truth; your situation is never permanent. It’s what you make it. Life isn’t solid, it’s fluid. It changes.

Remember that you were art long before he came to admire you, and you’ll continue to be art even when he’s gone.

Sometimes, all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage, just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

“I still find it personally disappointing that people kind of go out of their way to voice their disgust or their opinions against the ways in which two people love one another.”                – Heath Ledger

Sometimes its us who let the monsters in.

Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?

Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good.

“Just remember that you are you no matter how much of you there is, and if anybody doesn’t like you because you have an extra jelly roll FUCK THEM, cause I’ll like you even more. Jelly rolls are kinda my thing.” – Shane Dawson

I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on Earth. Then I ask myself the same question.

People think that a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror. The person who shows you everything that is holding back; a soulmate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions; break your heart open so new light can get in.

There’s no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t anymore.

I wonder if I ever caught someone’s attention. Even if I was just walking among the crowd, I wonder if they wanted to get to know me or anything like that.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary LOVE; it is a waste of time, there are too many mediocre things in life. LOVE should not be one of them.

When I was young, my eyes were always filled with this beautiful happiness, but now that I’m older you can see that all the happiness has drained and how empty everything has become.

If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies; how very different our ideals of beauty would be.

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, “But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today.”

“If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy. Even if you wind up being left out.” – Stephen Chobsky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Although you are very small and your kind have existed in the universe for only a short time, you are an important part of something very large and very beautiful.

It’s easy to love someone when they’re happy. What’s hard is loving someone when they’re crying on the bathroom floor at 2 a.m. because everything came crashing down at once.

Sometimes, you’ve got to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding.

“Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. Go for it.”       – 10 Things I Hate About You

“If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn. People die. But real love lives forever.” – The Crow

“I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of the world alone.”         – Lord of the Rings

“There’s some people in this world who you can just love and love and love, no matter what.” – John Green

“It’s hard to miss people. But you know, if you miss them it means you were lucky. It means you had someone special in your life, someone worth missing.” – Nathan Scott

I want nothing but the best for you, I really do, it’s just that sometimes I wish that the best for you was me.

Maybe no life has equal trade. Maybe you can give up all you’ve got, and get NOTHING back.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.

“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you an I’d choose you.” – The Chaos of Stars

“Fear doesn’t have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind.” – Doctor Who

You don’t miss me. I should remember that. I should FUCKING remember that.

Sometimes, you just need a break. In a beautiful place. Alone. To figure everything out.

“I don’t love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful.”                         – Natalie Portman

An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.

“The biggest lesson I’ve learned is it’s okay. It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.” – Hayley Williams

The people who are meant to be in your life will always gravitate back towards you, no matter how far they wander.

Say how you feel, leave the job you hate, find your passion, love with every ounce of your bones, stand up for things that matter, don’t settle, don’t apologize for who you are…      Be fucking brave

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.” – Anne Frank

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.” – Nicholas Sparks

you can be in a relationship for two years and feel nothing; you could be in a relationship for two weeks and feel everything. time is not a measure of LOVE.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a lot wrong with the world you live in.”                – Chris Colfer

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I will always love you, that’s where I’ll be waiting.” – Peter Pan

“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

When you think it’s the end, please remember that the sun rises and the sun rises and the sun sets, caterpillars become cocoons, tadpoles grow into frogs, and seeds bloom into flowers.

Everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up everyone’s life, but why not be the moon, to brighten in the darkest hour.

I didn’t become heartless. I just became smarter. My happiness will not depend on someone else. Not anymore.

Eccedentesiast                                                                                                                                               (n.) Someone who fakes a smile, when all they want to do is cry, disappear and/or die.

She turned her CAN’TS into CANS and her DREAMS into PLANS.









Dear men…boys…people

symbols-male-female-joint-diagonal.jpgOkay. So I know, as most do, that you can’t judge a book by its cover and all that jazz. But my God. Whenever there is something where a female-identifying person speaks up all that you hear is how it is affecting those who identify as male??

“I get scared when strange men come at me, and I can’t tell what their intentions are.”

“Oh! WOW. Not every guy is a rapist?!? This isn’t fair! I shouldn’t have to read this!!”

See what I mean?

I am so sorry that I state my views on how life is for me as a woman and they offend you?.. I guess? Of course when your little ego is bruised or something happens to you then ALL women are “whores” or “prudes” etc…

As women, we are stuck in a “damned if ya do, and a damned if ya don’t” situation. But all that society cares about is men’s delicate sensitivities. I usually don’t get into these kinds of talks or issues, but I am getting so fed up with all of this bullshit.

I am, as a woman, forced to be silent or to confine myself to the societies ideals of a female.

A man can say and do almost anything to me and unless I know specific answers to specific questions then I am not reliable and my word is moot, while all he has to say is that he didn’t do it.

So why is that? Why can I be so wrong about my body? People want to shame me, judge me or accuse me of one thing or another.

  1. You should be sexy so men are attracted to you.
  2. You should be virginal so that men want to marry you.
  3. You should be physically fit to be attractive.
  4. You shouldn’t worry so much about your body; its shallow.
  5. You should go all the way through a pregnancy and have that baby because it is a life.
  6. You are sponging off the government because you couldn’t close your legs.
  7. You can always put the child up for adoption. There are so many families that want children.
  8. You should know how to do all the womanly things in the house and such to be a good wife.
  9. Why don’t you know how to do all the manly things. You should be independent.

Why? Why are these actual things?

Now, I am not saying that men don’t have some downsides to their lives, but why does everyone think that females sticking up for themselves and their bodies seem to TAKE something away from males? Why do they think that us begging for equality really means world domination by females? I don’t understand, and it makes me sad.

It makes me sad because we, as people, as humans, have worked so very hard to reach this point in our society. We like to think that we have come so far when, in truth, we have so very, very far to go. I am sad because I am a woman and I should be proud. I am made to do great things. My body forms life and puts it into this world. My brain functions better than a super computer. There will ever only be one of me. Stars and galaxies grew and died to bring me into existence.

I am sad because, as great as I am, I may only be remembered by this world in relation to how useful and submissive  I was to men. My importance is beyond measure, and that is the same for every person; every woman. But maybe the world isn’t ready to come to the same conclusion as me.

My Rabbit Hole pt.2

Sally, Peggy and Joseph

I did pretty well over the summer.

I didn’t really go outside much, but that was kinda my thing. One activity I fell back in love with was volleyball. My uncle’s team at a local bar was short one or two people one night so I decided to join in. I played on that team for the last month or so before school started up again. Towards the start of school I also reacquainted myself with my friend Sally from the previous year and brought her to volleyball with me.

I was having fun, and feeling as much as I could.

Sweet things never last.

The weekend before school started was the welcome back, orientation party and games. Sally and I were playing that bag toss game when we came across Joseph. He was handsome, in that way in which he knows that he looks good. And he had every right because he was built. But, God, did he have a mouth on him. Talking, joking, cursing and more talking.

He would turn out to be more than I thought he was in some instances and way less than I thought he could be in others.

At this point, I was still kind of trying to stay away from Steve. I wasn’t being active about it, but I also didn’t make a point of trying to find him during the fun and games because first and foremost; I had no idea what to say. He was and is a great friend, and we didn’t leave off on the greatest of notes. When I thought of him and that whole situation, I felt something akin to shame at my actions and hurt that neither of us had reached out over the summer. I mean, like with any cute boy and less than cute girl in a friendship, I had feelings for Steve.

Soon after school had begun, I began to see a somewhat strange girl around campus. She was strange because she had a service dog… with no apparent service for the dog to help out with. But damn, was she awesome. She ended up being a rock and pillar of my life. Peggy was the shit, but she had her own issues too.

The year really started off great. Maybe even amazing. But as I said before; sweet things never last.

My rabbit hole became filled with drinking, bonfires and ill-fated not-so-there relationships. Not that I would take it back for anything, but I wasn’t my best me then. Sadly enough, I wasn’t my worst me then either.



My Rabbit Hole


Some days are good.

Some days are great.

Most days, I want to be done. The psychiatrist says that being so passive is ‘very common’… until it isn’t. Until it leads to an action that I won’t be able to take back. But not everyone crosses that line. Sometimes, people just stay passive. They live and go about their lives in the same way that I am now.



“Whatever you guys want to do.”

“No, really. I don’t care.”

These are like pick-up lines to my illness. Most people think that sometimes I am just sad, or tired or moody. And I feel cliché when I say it but, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have been sick with one thing or another since I was a kid. I took it all in stride because I was counting on the day when it would all get so much better than it was then. Plus, everything else may be malfunctioning, but my brain was top-notch!

Yeah…so much for that.

I graduated high school with honors. I went to a community college so that I could live with my parents. But something was wrong. I started feeling it that first year at school. I was the first in my family to graduate high school and go straight on to college, and I wanted to make them all proud. I wanted to set a good example for my siblings and all of my younger family members. I wanted to reach that impressive goal that I had set for myself. But all I was really achieving was stress, stress and more stress. The stress would build up and my mind would wander.

I would contemplate the idea of death. Not suicide. I questioned how I would feel and react to being told I was going to die. Would I cry? Would I take it like a champ? (I liked to think that I was gonna take it like the level-headed, accepting girl I was.) I had never thought about it before because I was just a kid. I had all the time to worry about my life-clock’s countdown some other time. It was more of a deeper thought process than usual. The thoughts went from how I would respond to the news if I ever got them to not really caring. I really felt, and some times still feel, like if a car hit me or I got caught in a hold-up at my local gas station I wouldn’t mind. Like, it would be a bummer for sure, but I wouldn’t mind. I didn’t want to actively kill myself, but I felt very Darwin-like about it. (If I wasn’t smart enough to look both ways then that was my prerogative.)  I confided in a friend of mine. (Who is still a good friend and an all-around good guy.) Let’s just go with Steve? Okay?

I was messaging Steve, and I was so lost in myself and how my thoughts were not natural, but I didn’t seem to care; that I didn’t think of him, his past or the way he would react. Admittedly, I really wanted a pity party from one of my few friends. But Steve. God. He went into a spiel about how selfish I was being and if I knew what it would do to the people I left behind.

Steve’s dad had committed suicide when he was a child.

I was such a bag-o-dicks.

But at that time, I didn’t see his ‘intervention’ as a helpful thing. I was… So. Fucking. Pissed. I wanted him to just shove his ‘mightier than thou bullshit’ back up the stink-hole it came from.

How fucking dare he?! Like really. I am sitting at my computer telling him that I feel like shit or I feel like nothing at all, and he tells me I am a coward? I was still there wasn’t I? I was talking to him wasn’t I? It made me so mad. So I grabbed ahold of that anger for all that I was worth before it too faded as all things were beginning to that year.

And, they all did.

Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t some automaton-robot-cyborg thing. I felt things, but it was and still is sometimes, like the difference between looking at someone with my glasses on or off. I know your hand is there, and I know how many fingers you are holding up. I don’t take them off and go completely, black-out blind okay?? The same goes for my emotions. They are there, under this film or utter disinterest and numbness. Sort of like when you poke your foot after it falls asleep ya know? You see it, but something is lost.

Anyway. He was really laying it on me about how despicable it was. To think about it, if ever there was a time to end it, it would have been then. But then Steve would feel guilty and I couldn’t do that to him. At some point, somewhere I cared about him and I knew that if I did anything then he would blame himself for the rest of his life. Despite the fact that I was the one on an emotional precipice, I was nothing if not knowledgeable. I couldn’t feel the guilt or hurt, but I knew that it would be there on an intellectual level.

Then, a few days later, I had skipped a class for one reason or another.  (To avoid seeing Steve on campus probably.) And my mom called me saying that campus security had been to our house. I asked if she knew why they had been there, and she told be that they wouldn’t tell her, but I was to talk to the head of students’ something or other.

So, I went to her office and asked what was gong on.

“We had an RA inform us that you had told them some things that worried them. We were concerned when you didn’t show up to your morning class that you had committed or were in the process of committing suicide.”

My brain automatically went to the general direction of what-the-fuck-ville. I didn’t even think of Steve because we were friends and he would never betray my trust like that. But it was and he did.

I had, unintentionally, put Steve between a rock and a hard place.

Looking back, I know that he only meant the best. That what he did may have very well saved my life. That he was protecting me from danger like a great friend should because he loves me. He was keeping me from my greatest enemy and worst nightmare. He was trying to keep me from myself.

But young me did not see any of that. She saw red. Again? He took this way out of proportion! Mandatory reporter my ass!

I wanted his head on a spike in his mother’s yard.

They made me attend the school counselor and see a nurse about medication. Medication. Again. I was sick again, and this was worse than anything I had ever faced. This was in my head; my mind. The thing I cherished the most about myself. The only good part of me. I was rebroken and an intraveneos drip every six weeks wasn’t going to help this time.

I went the mandatory times and then a couple more. All the while, I tried to ignore Steve like the goddamn plague. This was his fault. He couldn’t keep his big old trap shut. Why was he such a good…bad friend. My fire was renewed every time I saw that big puppy dog because a part of me knew that he was doing the right thing.

But I didn’t want  a friend that would tattle on me. I wanted a friend that would go down the rabbit hole with me. A person who would understand all of the fuckery that was my mind. I didn’t want to tell anyone about my issues though. So, I made myself a compromise; I would be that friend.. I would go down the rabbit hole alone.

Now, this isn’t the part where I try drugs and sleep with strangers to ‘find myself’. My rabbit hole is worse because it is bigger. It isn’t one that you jump into. This rabbit hole makes one believe that nothing is happening as they ease into the depths.

I am writing this from inside my own rabbit hole.


Drink, Drank. . . Not Drunk?

My friend and her friend both celebrated their twenty-first and twenty-second birthdays, respectively. So, of course, we all went out to ‘party’. At the first bar I had one mixed drink and one shot. At the second place I had two mixed drinks. Then I ate some bread-sticks from the gas station.. The second-to-last place I had a jello shot and a mixed drink. Lastly, at our last stop I had two vodka-cranberries.

Unfortunately, I was. . . completely fucking sober. I felt the slight touch of a buzz, but it was mainly overpowered by the fact that I did not want to be out and my stomach, abdomen area was absolutely killing me.

My ‘friends’ went to a pizza place next door, so I stayed with my roommate and his friend at the club. All was, okay. And then I was stuck between my roommate and his friend. Grinding, dancing. It was fine, I knew them both. Although I was uncomfortable; I was trying to ‘get out of my shell’ and have fun. Then I saw a man acknowledge our dancing and perhaps another as well. I tried, repeatedly, to tell my roommate ‘no!’. But, he didn’t listen. I panicked and I left. A woman tried to see if I was alright, but I was having none of that. I grabbed my sweater and I left to walk home.

You, as a person, can drink and try to ‘have fun’ but if it isn’t who you are then you are shit outta luck. Perhaps, now, I will just stay inside.

Some Quotes that Get Me Through

And I hope, sometimes, you wonder ’bout me.

“Just promise me you’ll think of me every time you look up at the sky and see a star.” -Eminem

I hope you always find a reason to smile.

The only person you should try to be better than, is the person you were yesterday.

You were given THIS LIFE because you are strong enough to LIVE IT.

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.

“I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

You only live once, but if you do it right then once is enough.

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep you eyes shut.” -Dr. Suess

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a though without accepting it.” -Aristotle

Do not give up. The beginning is always the hardest.

“You know that place between sleep and awake? The place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I will always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.” -Peter Pan

“Just remember that you are you no matter how much of you there is, and if anybody doesn’t like you because you have an extra jelly roll FUCK THEM, ’cause I’ll like you even more. Jelly rolls are kinda my thing.” -Shane Dawson

Always believe in yourself, even when others don’t.

The only way to get better is to surround yourself with better people.

Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

Good people are like candles; they burn themselves up to give others light.

Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You have a whole lifetime; tie takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.

“I don’t love studying. I hate studying. I like learning. Learning is beautiful.”           -Natalie Portman

“I interviewed a woman who is terminally ill. ‘So,” I tried to delicately ask, ‘What is it like to wake up every morning and knowing that you’re dying.’ ‘Well,’ she responded, ‘What is it like to wake every morning and pretend that you are not?'” -Unknown

Fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you think that love is hard.

Sometimes, I forget myself in a book. And when I have to stop reading it takes me a minute to remember where I am. Or who I am.

“Fear doesn’t have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind.” -Doctor Who

She smiled softly, but this time it was different, her face smiled, but her eyes didn’t.

“A villain is just a victim whose story hasn’t been told.” -Chris Colfer

Be kind to yourself so that you can be kind enough to be kind to the world.

MONSTERS don’t sleep under your bed.                                                                                            They sleep inside your head.

“There’s no shame in having to fight everyday. If you’re still alive to hear these words or read this interview, then YOU are winning YOUR war. You’re here.” -Jared Padalecki

Atelophobia: fear of never being good enough.

“We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories.” -Jonathan Gottschall

“A writer is a writer not because she writes well and easily because she has amazing talent, or because everything she does is golden. A writer is a writer because, even when there is no hope, even with nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway.” -Janet Diaz

“As someone told me lately; everyone deserves the chance to fly. And if I’m flying solo, at least I’m flying free.” -Wicked

I want to inspire people. I want someone to look at me and say, “Because of you, I didn’t give up.”

You are so used to your features, you don’t know how beautiful you look to a stranger.

Not only did I love her, but I could tell the universe loved her, too. More than others. She was different. After all; I would be a fool not to notice the way the sunshine played with her hair. -Christopher Poindexter

“I don’t want to be the other half of your soul. I want to be the one who reminds you that you’re already whole.” -G.S.

I spent my days waiting for you, searching the crowds for your face. I stopped breathing the moment you recognized me, as you captured my soul with your gaze. -Christy A. Marine

After all the words and all the ink and all the blank pages painted black with the adjectives of you, one thing is abundantly clear. Nothing I write will ever be enough to sum you up. -Tyler Knott Gregson

I’m always running away from someone or something. But I’ve never gotten anywhere.

“If you care about somebody, you should want them to be happy. Even if you wind up being left out.” -Stephan Chbosky

I can’t even hold your hand, but I love you with a love that is more than love.

Meeting your soulmate is like walking into a house you’ve been in before – you will recognize the furniture, the pictures on the wall, the books on shelves, the contents of drawers: You could find your way around in the dark if you had to.

There’s a story behind every person. There’s a reason why they’re the way they are. They aren’t just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and in that moment it’s impossible to fix them.

Feelings that come back are feelings that never left.

Put your hand on my heart, and feel what I am thinking.

One day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt anymore.

Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for.

Then love know it was called love. And when I lifted my eyes to your name, suddenly your heart showed me my way. – Pablo Neruda

Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.           -Dylan Thomas

There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and YOU ask, “What if I fall?” Oh but my darling, what if you fly? -E.h.

In all the world there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world there is no love for you like mine. -Maya Angelou

You sometimes think you want to disappear, but all you really want is to be found.

When it’s over, leave. Don’t continue watering a dead flower.

Don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. You are your own worst enemy.

Loneliness is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t wanna deal with people.

Sometimes, you’ve got to be able to listen to yourself, and be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding.

No one is too old with fairytales.

You can feel the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain – no matter how smart or accomplished – they cry, they yearn, they hurt. . . We all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart. -Mitch Albon

She wanted something else, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms, or perhaps something as simple as not being second. – Nicholas Sparks

If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. -Stephan Chbosky

I want to talk about what happened without metoning how much it hurts. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

If you don’t have good intentions, please just leave me alone. I’m tired.

{nothing would be the same if you did not exist.}

And there will be someone that comes along one day and offers you a planted when you expected a galaxy… And there will be someone that comes along and offers you and entire galaxy when you only expected a single planet.

For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not your destruction.


How are you? I’m…


I seem to have lost myself again. But sometimes I feel better when I am lost than I ever feel when I ‘found’ by anyone, including myself.

I realize now that I hate…me. Everything that I am or will be. I don’t care if other people “have it worse” or if I’m being a coward, but I just kinda want to be done. I am in school to be a future leader, a guide, a teacher of the future. But, I don’t think, most of the time, that I will make it to see that future, let alone finish school.

This isn’t a suicide note; to bare my soul. This is just me. How I feel right now. Honestly, I hope that no one ever reads this and knows about my shame.